How My Life Blossomed When I Gave Myself Permission to Fail
For most of my life, I’ve been afraid of failing. Until recently, I never even realized that fear was such a core element in my life. Yet, looking back, I see that I even feared failure in those I loved. When my dad would incorrectly sing a song lyric, I remember grimacing, not because I was embarrassed or because he showed discomfort, but because I felt discomfort around making mistakes.
I was always the “ideal” student–quiet, compliant, people pleasing. Teachers loved me and praised me for being a “good” kid. Somewhere along the line I learned that being perceived as perfect was crucial to my worth. Trying things that might lead to failure wasn’t worth it because not succeeding, and therefore feeling less valuable, wasn’t worth it. (This is one of the reasons I am so mindful of the way I encourage my own children).
“Somewhere along the line I learned that being perceived as perfect was crucial to my worth.”
Then one day I suddenly decided that I was no longer afraid to fail. I can’t even pinpoint the cause of the shift. Maybe it was a series of events that pushed me out of my comfort zone, maybe it was the product of my regular meditation practice, maybe it was crossing into the latter half of my thirties, but whatever it was, there was a clear internal change, and my life began to blossom.
How to embrace failure:
Detach your worth from your accomplishments.
First and foremost we must separate what we do from who we are. Until we recognize that our worth is not tied to our success, we spend our lives trying to prove ourselves again and again. When we truly understand that we are deeply and intrinsically worthy, regardless of anything we do or how anyone sees us, we gain so much freedom–freedom to be silly, to make mistakes, to live a life that is wholly and authentically true.
Detaching our worth from our accomplishments allows us to enter situations without as much investment in the outcome. Of course, we still want the promotion, the school acceptance, the bestseller, or whatever other opportunity we are striving for, but, when our worth is no longer tied to the result, the outcome becomes much less weighty. As a result, we are free to put ourselves out there more, reaching for our wildest dreams because we know our value is not dependent upon our success or failure.
“When we truly understand that we are deeply and intrinsically worthy, regardless of anything we do or how anyone sees us, we gain so much freedom”
Determine your rings of relationship.
Not everyone’s opinion should carry equal weight in our lives. We are at the very center of our circles (more in the next section), close, but still not center are our immediate loved ones, next our closest friends and extended family, followed by our colleagues, acquaintances, and finally strangers.
The closer to the center, the more the relationship matters to us. The more the relationship matters, the more we should take their feelings into account. We can never please everyone, but the more center to our circle, the more we care about their approval. How does this relate to failure?
We must think about who we are afraid of looking foolish in front of? Are we taking a class to learn a new skill alongside a group of strangers? Are we applying for a new job? Are we proposing a new idea to our current boss? Are we working to improve our marriage? Think about who your failure affects, remembering that first and foremost, your goals, and happiness matter, followed by each ring in your ring of relationships.
Prioritize yourself.
This one is a hard one for me. I am slowly learning that my opinion matters more than anyone else’s and that this mindset isn’t selfish. When we constantly put everyone else ahead of ourselves, we tend to put their opinions ahead of ours too. Yet, our opinions and beliefs about ourselves matter more than anyone else’s thoughts about us.
If you love to dance and look silly doing it, by all means dance. Sing, write, paint, learn how to bake bread because it ignites passion within, not simply because you need to feed your family. Write poetry because you love to write, not because you are trying to be the next Maya Angelou. Whatever fills your soul, do it wholeheartedly, without fear of looking foolish, and without a need to be proficient at it.
“Whatever fills your soul, do it wholeheartedly, without fear of looking foolish, and without a need to be proficient at it.”
Practice failing.
Sometimes we are so accustomed to staying in our safe zone that we don’t even know what it feels like to fail. When we give ourselves permission to fail, we often learn that all the stories we imagined about failure are way bigger and worse than the reality of failing.
To become more comfortable with falling short, we can practice. We can embrace opportunities that allow us to succeed at failing.
What makes you feel silly? Do it.
Is there something that you know you won’t be good at? Attempt it.
Is there a job you’ve always wanted but think is way out of your reach? Apply for it.
Set failing as your goal. Maybe you’ll surprise yourself and fail at failing.
Find joy in the journey.
Did you know that our brains literally grow when we fail? I find that fact to be amazing, and it helps my perspective when I make mistakes. When my children make a mistake, I like to cheer, “your brain just grew!”
When we stop being afraid of failing, the world becomes so much more fun because we are suddenly open to a whole host of possibilities that were previously unavailable to us.
I want my children to see me fail and watch me react to it gracefully. Even more, I want them to see me celebrate failure. I want them to know that it is okay to fail–that failure and success are simply two sides of the same coin. I don’t want them to miss out on opportunities because they are afraid to risk looking foolish, disappointing others, or falling flat, and I don’t want to miss out anymore either.
The Takeaway
Failure is a part of life. It is unavoidable, but I think it’s also worth embracing. Failing means we are putting ourselves out there. It is a sign of a full, authentic, and courageous life. I like to think of failing as a gift that is only given to those who are brave enough to try.
Failing says nothing about our worth. Our worth never changes–no amount of success or failure can move that marker. All failure tells us is that we are growing, and only by growing can we fully bloom.
Share a failure that you are proud of or a failure that brought growth in your life.
